Ask someone about dating—especially in New York—and the response is likely to quite plain: “Dating sucks!
” As my dating therapy patients have gone through the process of dating and working on their dating in therapy, a few themes have been a consistent part of the complaints: I definitely agree that dating can be hard. Chances are, if you’re struggling with it, you just might not believe me. What I will say is this: I often say that dating is one of a small handful of activities where we tend to throw all of our creativity out the window and we become incredibly conservative.
You want to get to know the person and each have a chance for a fresh start.
Carrying old baggage into a new relationship amounts to clutter.
Perhaps you’re embarrassed that you’re dating, or of who you’re dating. What’s particularly great about that, once you’re successful, is that you’ve then got a ready-made relationship team.
Often people date instead of or as the means to building their lives.
DO make the conversation reciprocal, be inquisitive and show your interest in getting to know the other person. DON'T alter who you are to fit what you think your love interest wants/needs.
When we alter who we are and portray values that are not our own, we attract people we were never meant to attract, therefore the relationship is doomed before it begins. It is much easier than putting forth the energy required to pretend. DON'T complain about your lack of luck with love or blame your city's [insert city name here] dating scene!
It’s also unfortunately the case that many people have been through pretty terrifying or degrading experiences that have left them with an impaired image of who they are, their desirability to others, or how they feel about their bodies.It’s inevitable that this will come up when taking on dating. Working with a therapist is a great way to change this, and can be the start of building your dating team.I think another reason people get into trouble with dating (and stop being creative) is that they tend to do dating much too privately. Group therapy is another terrific option, and it offers a bigger, broader team.Balance between demonstrating interest and maintaining your composure is best.Another reason people play games is to get something you want that you wouldn’t likely get if you played it straight.Looking for a tip or two on how to tackle the dating scene? Yes, we live in a modern world in which women can pay for themselves and open their own door. DON'T be overly influenced by expectations of family and friends such as, “Does she practice the same religion?Then you've probably noticed the onslaught of search engine results when you Google the phrase "dating dos and don'ts." Yikes! DON'T convince yourself you only have one "type." DO widen your definition of a compatible mate. Still, it's nice when the man foots the bill after a dinner date. Is he the same race, or does he have the desired financial/educational status?For example, telling someone you love him or her so they will sleep with you, and then not calling them again.This form of manipulation is simply unacceptable (to put it mildly), and does not lead to healthy relationships.Are you starting to worry that you’re too old and it’s too late to find a suitable partner?Do you wish you could understand why love, intimacy and dating have been so challenging for you?